Lunch is served

#FunkeVSRoadMarshal

Season 1 Episode 3

As we drove out of the parking lot, he asked if i was nervous, I looked at him and frowned and then said "No"! He smiled and said " U know u look very pretty when u frown' I burst out laughing and then he said 'good girl' finally got u to laugh.

"Fasten you seat belt!" I rolled my eyes and did just that.  Im riding with "the law" might as well obey!  He then asked me what I would like to eat, I told him I wanted salad and he said, "cool, i know this great place and we drove to Ikoyi...
In 5 minutes we were at the gate of Southern Sun hotel...

OMG....  I think to myself, What is this guy up to???? I cringe and as he parked I sat frozen in my seat... He looks at me then he laughs... Relax we are only here for lunch nothing more..

The voices in my head begin to warn me... Red wine said " He got other plans after lunch" White wine said "he's a gentleman Funke, he won't disrespect you.

He noticed my reluctance and he told me calmly that we are going into the restaurant only! I smiled hesitantly and I get down.

He walks to where I am standing and he says "Give me your hand" I stretched out my hand and we walked hand in hand into the restaurant.
Did i say walk? No scratch that... I FLOATED!!! I will tell u why.

See, when he held my hand, his palms were as soft as the back of a baby's butt! They were warm and slightly moist. For a split second I felt giddy...
I gradually get myself together and walk as firmly as i could, he was saying something, but i wasn't listening all of a sudden I tripped and before I knew it, he had firmly held me by the waist and swung me round to face him and  ask if i was ok.

Our gaze met and there I was, staring into the most beautiful set of brown eyes I have ever seen. It was like a scene from 'strictly come dancing' he was bending over me and looking into my eyes...

I  felt a whole lot more dizzy, I dunno if it is hunger that is making me dizzy, or the feeling of those very strong arms of his carrying my weight. I quickly jolt my self back to reality before he drops me. I say to him" I'm fine, could u lemme go pls?" He says ok... but he still held on to me... I began to say the Lord's prayer....

Father Lord, Epp you child o! this one pass me o!

I frantically tell him to let go of me and he finally did.. Phew! I straighten out my dress and walk calmly into the restaurant. He picks out a table in a secluded spot, we walk there and sit down.
He takes up the menu and asks what kinda salad i want, i look at the menu... Jisos, 4,500 for salad!!!! I flip through the menu and Co e across a dish called the seafood paella!  Ok sounds interesting...

Anyway i go ahead and order the seafood paella and water.. he orders green tea and chocolate cake for himself.

I gently ask about the pick ups his office wants to buy and how we can seal the deal. He reaches out for my hand and cups it in his and the plants a kiss on it and said "Babay what's your rush girl?" "We got all the time in the world to discuss the pick ups' I ain't going no where!!!
I feel giddy, blood rushing to my head! yep common sense is leaving my body.... or hunger... I've been charmed by a 'Yoruba demon"....

Time to eat, I am hungry.

#ToBeContinued

The first date

#FunkeVsRoadMarshal

Season 1 Episode 2

He asked again, "when are you going for lunch?" I pretended I didn't hear him, I went on and on about the car, "Sir, the car has 8 airbags, ABS, it comes fitted with Bose speakers and premium leather seats"!

He was quiet so I swung round to see what he was doing, and this guy was right behind me.....

Before I go further, lemme introduce u to my 2 alter egos.... They are the voices in my head and they can fight ehn!!!

The first one is the feisty vivacious one, happy go lucky girl who is very very stubborn, we shall call her Red Wine, the other one is docile, gentle and always doing good.... we shall call her White wine... or simply "Red & White for short.

I swing round and this guy is just inches away from me. the voice in my head "Red" says "Oooooh he cute Funke, he's wearing Thierry Mugler angel ou demon.... this one is definitely a Demon!!!!  A Yoruba Demon! Immediately my docile alter ego "White' steps in and says "Behave urself Funke"!

I step back... "Errm can we go sit down now?" He says OK.
Phew! Which kain wahala be dis...

He then tells me that he is out to shop for his status car and also to look around for the cheapest prices of pick ups... their zonal office wants 30 pickups...

30!!! For real? This guy for talk am since naa, Na me for buy am lunch sef. I sit up in my chair and i'm like... "how soon will they be buying?" He says "march ending! Issokay, I have only 2 months to keep being nice, then I chase him away...

He then asks me again... " May i take u out to lunch ma'am?"  I told him immediately ... I'm not hungry, He said ok, I will just wait here till u are hungry then!!

Aaaargh! "I said Ok OK we go for lunch... Any thing to make him just go...

I got up and went upstairs to pick my handbag. As I closed the showroom door behind me, I climbed the stairs 2 steps at a time, I have a treadmill at home o... I don't think i have used it for like 10mins straight sef, in fact it is now a clothes hanger... SMH!

I breeze through 2 flight of stairs in like 1 minute and am by my office door panting like a leopard.... Out walks my boss..... and he goes

Boss: Oiiii, Oiiii where are u off to? ( He's Indian )
Me: I'm off to lunch with a client.
Boss: u mean that man that has been flirting with u in the showroom?
Me: Looking startled... I dunno watchu talking bout boss
Boss: Laughs and asks what vehicle he wants and how many they are looking at?
Me: he says they a want 30 pickups
Boss: eyes wide opened... well what are u waiting for.. go and seal that deal!

I grab my make up bag, apply a fresh coat of MAC Rubywoo lipstick that i bought from my cuz and glam fairy Yetunde you guys should totally check her store out www.glambeautyjay.com or @glambeautyjay and @glambeautyjayus for USA customers,  a dab of powder, then i spray perfume in the air and walk through it... Don't want him to think that i just applied fresh perfume...

I dash down the stairs , adjust my hair and then walk into the showroom looking uninterested.
He didn't notice me come into the showroom, he was reading the newspaper cross legged... Omo see the back of him leg.... very neat, well pedicured toenails, no chapped feet at all... chai... Yoruba demons can dress ehn!!!

I told him I was ready to go, he looked up and smiled, Chaii see dentition oooo....

We got outside and he asked, 'your car or mine' I was like MINE.... and he said "No ma'am, you are riding in mine.. There's no way I'm gonna let you drive without a driver's licence!!! !

What a CROCK!! My sins are finally biting me in d butt!!
He takes 2 strides and he gets to his car, unlocks it and opens d door for me..

"Ehen ogajuuu yoruba demons oooo!"

I get in and gingerly sit in the passenger seat...He puts the car in reverse and drives out of the parking lot, he asks if i like music... I said yes, he turns on the radio and you won't guess which music comes on....
Shinehead... IF U TRY MY LOVE.....

Jisos, looks like its gonna be a looooong Lunch break....

He looks at me as we drive away, he smiles.... Chai see teeth ooo!
#ToBeContinued

How it all started

My Driver's licence has expired... been too busy to go renew it, plus all the wahala to get another one, chai no an easy somtin o...So here I am, driving on Osborne road, music on full blast,

So there i was driving along Osborne road, Buju Banton's "boom bye bye" on repeat.  As I approach the bend before the turning into dolphin estate I sight the patrol van of the FRSC men... OMG! I sit up and look straight ahead. Then it happened.... this tall fine looking road marshal stopped the car in front of me, then he looked at me and pulled me over.

As i put my car to a halt this Tall fine Road marshall walked up to me in his cowboy hat....

#FunkeVsRoadMarshal

Season 1 Episode 1

Me: *in my best yankee accent* Good day sir... smiling from ear to ear

RM: Good afternoon ma'am
Ehen, issorai, he returned my yankee greeting...  he then leaned forward into my passenger side window... I could smell his aftershave... hmmmmmm ok... make I dey see wetin he wan do.

RM: May I have ur driver's licence and registration please

Me: ok sir

I leaned forward to the passenger side to remove it from the glove compartment but he was in the way... I looked at him and told him to move so that i could reach the glove compartment and he smiled.... Omo see set of perfect white teeth ooo! He moved and I gave him my papers, carefully leaving out my driving licence...

RM: may I have ur licence please.
me looking surprised and i began to search frantically for wetin no lost.....

Me: Goodness, i must have forgotten it in my other bag,

RM; Look for it ma'am better u have an expired one than none at all.

I smiled and gave him my expired one...

He looked at me and said "Gimme one good reason why i shouldn't  book u ma'am"?

I batted my eyelids and said cos u are a nice man..

He laughed and told me to get down from the car.... Chai, my charms no work oo...
I followed him to his patrol car and he brings out a form.

I filled it and gave my office address even plus including my phone no.... He then looked at me and said, "On second thoughts, lemme let this pass"... Phew... I thanked him and he walked me back to my car. He gave me a stern warning on the dangers of driving without proper documents and drivers licence.  He goes on to let me know that its a criminal offence in Nigeria, and that it could land me prison.

I apologise and promise to update and renew all pending documents. He walks me back to my car, opens the door for me and then he shuts the door behind me. He looks at me and smiles, and he says "See you some other time" I laughed and was like... O ti shii... I drive back to my office feeling acomplished. I was happy he didn't book me.

I park at my office parking lot and rush up the staircase,  I have a lot of work to do, so many sales reports to turn in today and I've been set back by at least 1 hour.

I finish my reports just in time and I drive home.

Too tired to cook dinner, so I stop at a fast food restaurant on the way.

8pm and I'm in my living room, I have just eaten dinner and I flip the TV station to NatGeo Wild. I  drift off to sleep.

The next day, I am in my office, work done and and it's nearly lunchtime, I'm bored,  looking for excitement and then suddenly the desk phone rings, there was someone looking for me downstairs in the car showroom, apparently there's a customer who has requested to see me, he wants to buy a car..

I go downstairs and I see this tall fine man dressed in atiku....  OMG!!

Osheyy baddest! I like men who have taste...he was neatly dressed in white atiku outfit a matching hausa cap to match and he had on this lovely Bally sandals to go sef..  As I waked in the showroom he smiled and he stretched out his hand and we shook hands... his palms were as soft as a baby's ownm he then asked to see the vehicles. I asked his budget and then i showed cars i  that range to him. One after the other, I explained the functions and specifications of each carm but instead of looking at what i was explaining to him, this man just  dey look my face... Shuo!!! broda kilode o...

He eventually makes a selection and I get up to make him a proforma invoice.

I handed him his proforma invoice and he then asks, "do u recognize me"?... I looked him straight in the eye and said NOPE!!!

Then he smiled.... OMG I remember that dentition!!! Then my jaw dropped and he laughed.. I frowned.... He laughed harder. AWKWARD!!! "How the hell did this guy know where to find me???? Then it hit me, the form I was filling before he changed his mind and let me go.

WHAT A CROCK!!!!! I practically shot myself in the foot.

he then asks... "What are you doing for lunch".....

Una wan know wetin happen next ba???..

Ok will tell u when i come back from Lunch!............

To Be Continued. ....